Shmaya David

Active Emphatic Listening What is it?



Posted: Tuesday, August 11, 2009

by Shmaya David
ecoachingsuccess.com

It is a sad truth that mostly, when you are listening to someone, you are not. Instead, you are often occupied with your own thoughts, mumbling "Ahha" now and then to be show that you are still awake. You are aware of what is being said, but only in a superficial way. This is especially evident when someone is reading a book or watching T.V., and their child comes over and starts talking. It really isn't until they avert their eyes from the screen or lower the book that they are really listening, and sometimes, not even then.

Even worse is your 'listening' during an argument or a heated discussion. Think back about the last time you were involved in one, or even worse – an aural fight with someone, and you will notice that you were not really listening at all to what the other side was saying. Instead, you were listening for a break, a space in his speech that you could use to dive in and have your say on the mater. You may have appeared to be listening, but in truth, your entire attention was concentrated on building your own arguments and waiting for your chance to take over.

Real listening is the art of attention. Only when you are truly giving your attention to the person, silencing your own internal speech, can you be said to be really listening. This is active listening. Listening that is a deliberate action of your will, and not just passive hearing.

But not all active listening is emphatic. If someone threatens you with a gun, you are very likely to give him your full undivided attention, but it will be a fearful, hostile listening. Even in a simple argument, even if you manage to really focus your attention on the other person's speech, you are still doing so in a critical, judgmental approach. You are trying to win the argument. You have an agenda. 

Emphatic listening is when you are neutral and have no agenda, or even better, when your agenda is the same as the speaker's. Emphatic listening is when you are seeking only to understand, not to contradict, and to offer your own ideas.

Active emphatic listening is the coaching technique that combine both active and emphatic listening to purposely focus you positive attention on your coaching client. I like to picture it as an arena. You attention is the light shining from above on the other person, but you are not joining him inside. Instead, you are staying in the shadows outside, leaving your coachee to shine alone in the middle. This is active emphatic listening, and it is the most powerful coaching tool in the coach's arsenal. It can be jsut as useful to anyone else. Whenever you are dealing with people, try it. It makes wonders.

If you wish to know more about coaching and coaching techniques, go to http://www.ecoachingsuccess.com and get it for free.

Shmaya David is a Master Executive Coach and the founder of ecoachingsuccess. Shmaya teaches coaching and developes coaching tools and training materials specialized for the organizations and business arenas.
See also http://www.ecoachingsuccess.com
or visit the Executive Coach Blog at http://www.ecoachingsuccess.com/blog
 
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